Shattered and Destroyed ( Mischa )

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kevala looked at Mischa as she neared the bed, and though she was out of it, her mind lost in its own dark thoughts and memories, she was not so blind as to not see the damage she had done upon the woman she loved so very much.

Tears filling her eyes, she did not speak as Mischa's hand took her own, lowering her head to brush against Kev's unmoving fingers and palm....

Then she spoke, those words tearing at a part of Kevala that was now exposed to the world, a part of her that could not help but feel pain and fear.....How could she do this to her? How could she hurt her so much when all she wanted to do was love her?

Whimpering softly as she again tugged at the restraints, never one to like being tied down, the very idea always having been something terrifying.....

"The thoughts, they wont go away.......Such bad thoughts......Such bad things...."

She was not exactly speaking clearly, her tone seemingly lost almost, as though she was not fully there, in that room like she should have been. Even her eyes, though focused upon Mischa, had a bit of a distance in them, almost as though some part of her was lost and struggling to find its way back....

Problem was, it just had so many horrible, dark and scary thoughts to get through. Things she wished to scrub from her memory forever, now laid bare for her to suffer through over and over again.

As more tears, ones she thought she no longer had the ability to cry, began to fill her eyes, she would whimper softly, her entire body starting to tremble as she struggled to try and put up some form of barriers in her mind again.

She had to stop the thoughts, the emotions, the memories. If not they would consume her until she had nothing left but the death she had so desperately wished for not so long ago.

"I cant make them stop Mischa...They wont go away....I...I cant...."

[Mischa Badoer]

(ooc: lets try my hand at a drunken post=D...sooo gonna hate myself tomorrow if this is bad)

Mischa sat there... her chin resting on the mattress as she listened to Kev. It tore her apart to know she was suffering. Mischa wanted to take her away from the world... a trip to the moon if she could... but she couldn't and that bugged her so much more than it should.

"I cant make them stop Mischa...They wont go away....I...I cant...."

Mischa clenched her teeth... both mad and sad at what was going on. Mad that she couldn't help... sad for the same reason and for the fact Kev was so unhappy... just... those eyes. Mischa always admired her eyes. They saw a lot more than most people..made her wise...and strong... aside from what she thought of herself. Kev down played who she was.... Mischa hated the way the gorgeous girl saw herself. If she thought she was nothing.... who was Mischa?

"Baby..." Mischa would say almost pleading to the girl. She would unstrap the wrist she was closest by. "Those... those are memories. They are not always good.... So many people wish that their memories can only hold happiness... but they don't... And for someone who had gone through what you have.... I don't expect happy thoughts from you all the time. You are so strong.. I admire you...so much I cannot even fathom let alone find the words to explain it to you.... goes the same way with my love for you... I only wish you can see how much I love you... Yeah.. You can probably read my emotions 24/7.." she would stand and lean over the bed to undo the other strap...then the two at her feet. "..but I don't even think that is enough.... I want you to know... that if something bad happens to you... I will be broken.. Whether you're my girlfriend, or fiance, or wife, or even a friend... It will still tear me up. As much as you want to... you can't save me from the pain.... being away from you is enough to render me and make me beg for hell's flames themselves to swallow me. I need you... I need you alive."

She would climb on the bed...though it obviously didn't help before. She would brush her fingers through her hair... and try to see the Kev she knew before... the Kev that played with the kids... not begged for the end of her life. "I love you.... don't leave me here alone." no matter how corny or cheesy she sounded... she still said it... even the ridiculously cheesy shit couldn't compare to the thoughts inside her head. Everything in her everyday life linked with the woman... if she was gone...so was everything else. She didn't need to sleep with her... she didn't need to hold her hand.... she didn't even need to look at her....(if she was made not to... she would rather see her everyday)... but... in order for all those things to be true... all she needed to know was that she was happy and healthy.

(ooc: I'm hoping these sentences make sense.... and I don't THINK I see any read squiggles to tell me I spelled anything wrong....MIGHT be overly cheesy...BUT WHAT EVS im a cheesy girl....BRING ON TEH CHEES1E!!)

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kev felt those straps being undone and though that did help in letting her breath easier, she would not be able to fully block out all the things that continued to run through her mind.

She wanted out of here. Back home where she could try and feel safe. But the words that were spoken kept her in place as she looked up to Mischa.

Finally, when the girl was done speaking, she would turn her eyes and head to the side, looking at the wall as she tried to think of what to say.

She knew she would probably not be able to save her from the pain but she knew she could try. That was all she had ever wanted to do, try....and do the best job at it as she could.

"I .... I will not leave you so long as I can help it..."

It was the only thing she could promise. She knew the self destructive path that she ran down most of the time. She knew that there would be times, like this one, where the chances of her getting out alive were slim, and she was okay with that. But the idea of what it would do to Mischa scared her more than it should have.

Whimpering softly she pushed herself to her side and curled up, ignoring the pain that shot through her petite body and then cuddling into the pillow. She would wait to leave........For now.....Only because she knew that Mischa would want her to stay...yet she laid there, watching the wall and the door....Making sure nobody snuck in here again........

"It would be safer for you........if....if you could just let me go.......I love you....but I cannot keep you safe..."

Did she want Mischa to let go? Of course not. But she still thought it would be best for Mischa in the long run.

[Mischa Badoer]

"It would be safer for you........if....if you could just let me go.......I love you....but I cannot keep you safe..."

Mischa was hoping that Kevala never meant for those words to hurt as much as they did. Her hand would pause from stroking her hair and she swallowed hard...trying to get rid of that bloody lump.

"No."

Straight up.

She would shake her head. "I'm not going to try... I'm not going to pretend to try. No." her hand would keep stroking at her hair as she tried to hold back her tears. The thought alone of forgetting her was too much to bare... Kev had too much of a hold on her..if it wasn't strong Mischa wouldn't be hurt from this all...Mischa would have moved on naturally... if she is forced to lose her feelings for her...then she wouldn't take it. To force away such raw emotion was suicide.... you don't break something so beautiful and true.

Mischa was breaking a promise though..... She told Kev that she would never leave her unless Kev truly wanted her to. Mischa didn't bring it up just in case she didn't remember.... or to spare her feelings from Kev telling her that's what she wanted...was to have Mischa out of her life... Though... if that were the case.. Mischa would leave Kev's life, but that doesn't mean Kev would leave hers... she would continuously be on her mind... like she has been since their first ACTUAL meeting.

Once again Mischa shrugged and tried her best to make light of the situation which killed her... but she wanted to try and be like herself....her oldself... bad jokes at bad times.

"Besides... Me not liking you and staying away won't make those bullets turn into marshmallows." a weak smile would spread on her lips...trying to look happy...but failed. "I'm safer with you in my life 'cause I have someone to survive for..."

God bless the truth.

[Ceraphine Davis]

Every word hit deep within Kev, and though she wanted to argue, the way she always did, she just nodded and fell silent. She did not have it in her to keep fighting with anyone, let alone with Mischa. Sure, she never won, not really, but she put up a good fight none the less. But this time, she just ............couldnt.

Whimpering softly she would simply curl up on her side facing Mischa, letting her hair fall over her face and hide her whitened eyes from sight as she let her small hand slide against Mischa's body. Just a reassurance that she was there.

She did not want to be alone, even as she struggled to put the wall back up. But the time she left here, she would be normal if it killed her, and no matter how faulty those walls were.

These thoughts, these emotions, they were more than she could handle and if she kept this up she would break completely and forever. Unable to ever obtain who she was before she was taken to that place.

She would forget...........It was all she could do to survive.

Whimpering softly she forced her body to shift until she could find a way to lay her head in Mischa's lap, thankfully small enough that she could wiggle into many odd positions.

Once there, she nuzzled softly, burying her face in a manner that seemed to hide her from the world. It was safe here, or at least that is what she told herself. It was all she could really manage to do......tell herself that she was safe or risk losing what little shred of her sanity she had left.

[Mischa Badoer]

Kevala made a soft whimper and had not argued back. Kev was known to give into what Mischa had said whether she ACTUALLY listened or not.... but it was also known she would at least put up a bit of a fuss. Because she didn't it made Mischa a little more sad. She seemed like a changed girl, but Mischa wanted her Kev. She felt the girl nuzzle into her... Mischa's hand brushed Kev's hair out of her face so she could get a good look of those sweet features that once belonged to her.

"I hope that some day you will just accept that I love you and to just... leave it be... and not try to force it away." Mischa wrapped her arm over Kevala protectively with nothing more than the desire to just to make her happy again. "Kev? Baby?" she would pause..wait for some form of response from her....unless she did not receive one she would eventually carry on. "Do you think if I still had the baby... if Zeke would have got along with him?" Mischa would say with a smile... as if reminiscing over memories that actually existed... "And... would you have had been with me still? They could have played in a spare room with mounds of toys I would have spoiled them with... you cooking us dinner and me taking the credit to boost my cooking self esteem." she would laugh a little at the last part.... knowing full well they would always both make small jokes at Mischa's cooking skill's expense.

She couldn't help but talk about what could have been. Some people would fantasize over some sexual favour or even a white wedding... but Mischa just pictured her life with Kevala with kids... just... enjoying the small things like Mischa sitting on the floor cross legged playing with the action figures with the kids making cheesy sound effects.... It was just how Mischa ticked...

And that night they would just talk until Mischa had to leave due to the shitty hospital hours....

(END)