Do you love me? (Kevala)

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa's eyes were glazed over as she stared at the white wall on her left. Her cheek pressed against the soft material of the pillow. Her throat was throbbing due to having a tube being shoved down her throat. Her nose was plugged with gauze from the damage that had been bestowed once taking so much cocaine. She was also having troubles breathing on her own in the situation she was in... though now she was fine, but her breaths were still labored.

Her eyes were only staring at the wall to avoid closing her eyes and seeing that image of Kevala and another girl. Her lips trembled and her heart ached.. everything was in pain. Her conscious burned her alive knowing full well what she did to the baby inside her. Their child... the one she was supposed to protect and give all her love to...died by her own hands. She was a murderer...That she knew... but it was one thing to murder the child growing inside her.

Her shaking hands brushed against her stomach... the stomach that now held and empty feeling... missing what she got used to. Tears flowed slowly from her eyes as she thought of what she did. It was selfish of her... Not only did she feel the physical pain the O.D had done..or the mental pain of having done that to her unborn child... she was suffering...She needed more cocaine...She had taken so much she was automatically hooked. Mischa had an addictive personality... and this was just to prove it. She wanted another hit... to make her happy and hide that pain she felt so much at the moment. No matter what it had caused her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

They worked at keeping the girl alive. She said nothing all night and avoided any questions being asked about the O.D. The girl looked crushed and was probably dealing with the problems of having to live. Now all morning they tried getting in contact with her father whom was near to impossible to reach. Little did they know he was just avoiding any questions about the drugs because of his involvement. They also tried getting a hold of Demetri but he was in the same position as her father.

Last they had was Kevala.

They were hesitant in all the evidence she may have been the one in the photo. They weren't sure it would be a good idea in Mischa's condition, but of course it was the right thing to do.

They would call her and if she didn't answer the phone they would simply leave the same message on the answering machine as they would tell her if she were to pick up.

"Hello Kevala. We understand there has been an accident and would like you to come to the Imperial Hospital as fast as you can and depending on your availability. A Mischa Badoer as been submitted into our facilities."

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kevala had been seated in her living room, not sure where Mischa was. She had slipped away from the apartment to come home, she had to talk to the girl. Yet all night she had sat here and still nothing.

She paced the floor nervously, the voices in her head coming up with fantastic reasons why the girl was not here. But Kev knew better. Mischa was not like that...not her Mischa....Whimpering softly she tried her cell again, only to get the same happy recording she always got. The sound of the girl's voice enough to make her eyes water....Where was she?

Finally her cell went of, and Kev liked to have jumped out of her skin when it did. Answering it, she listened...Only to feel the phone drop from her fingers...Hospital......Mischa.....Gods...

She was not sure what was going on, nor did she take the time to find out......She just jumped into her car, and sped off, not stopping for anything til she slid into the parking lot at the hospital.

Upon entering, it was clear that she was already losing it, the small girl's black hair pulled back, her eyes crimson and her hands trembling with anger. Somebody had hurt Mischa. She knew it, and she would make them suffer if it was the last thing she did.

"WHERE IS SHE!?"

She had been here not too long ago, and the nurse that kept putting her off on where Mischa was, was one who had been here when she had.

Sticking her hand out, she grabbed the nurse about the collar, her other hand planing firmly against the light socket on the wall...feeling the electricity sparking to life about the cuffs on her wrist......Stray locks of her hair falling down into her face as she growled softly.

Finally miss goody two shoes got the hint and with a cry of fear she pointed toward the computer screen. Showing Mischa's room number.

Kev dropped the woman, growing as she did and took off running up the stairs to the room they had Mischa in....But as she slid around the door and into the room, she was hit with so many painful emotions it literally knocked her back into the door frame.

Yet she forced herself up, forced herself around toward the bed toward Misch....eyes looking over the girl....tears filling her eyes as she noted the condition she was in......

"Baby...what did you do?"

It was all she could think to ask....She was no fool. She sensed the feeling of addiction, the feelings of loss and pain...Of guilt....She felt all of it...and much more....She had known when she came through the door that the baby was gone....That kind of loss something she had imagined many times with the twins....

Tears filled her eyes as she slowly let her eyes fade back to icy blue and then shrank down to slowly ease herself toward the bed....Eyes cautious on the girl......

"Mischa...baby? Wha...What happened to the baby?"

The thought just never occurring to her that Mischa had done something to the baby herself. Never. Despite the fact Mischa killed people for a living, she was one of the softest and kindest souls Kevala had ever met...she could never hurt the baby......

Settling down beside the bed, she finally put her hand on the edge, biting her lip nervously as she looked toward the girl, trying to get some reaction from her...Anything....Kev needed to know........

[Mischa Badoer]

Her eyes were puffy and her hands stopped cradling her stomach so she could rub her eyes with the balls of her palms. She felt her whole body shaking. Mischa was weak and couldn't do this... She couldn't handle anything at this moment... so as if God wanted to smite her for what she had done..Kevala entered. Mischa was no where near ready to deal with the mess that could form into a disaster. Her red eyes looked over to her fiance, then back to the wall that was opposite from the door where the girl stood. Mischa's lower lip trembled as she tried to hold back any emotion... though she knew damn well Kevala was going to sense it; just as how Mischa could sense there was something wrong with their relationship. Yeah Mischa assumed Kevala couldn't control herself... but she didn't know she was off kissing other people... God knows what other things she had been doing. Mischa wasn't dumb. She knew damn well when Kevala was not at home... but boy did she feel like a moron not catching on to what she was doing.

"Baby...what did you do?"

What did you do?

Her nose scrunched in disgust as her teeth clenched. Yup... Mischa wasn't happy with what she had done... In all honest she felt confused. Why? Why would she O.D on drugs? Mischa had never done drugs in her life... Never before had she tried killing herself... Nothing added up and she couldn't remember even going up into the loft to grab the package of drugs. Next thing she remembered was being on the floor looking at that..that picture.

The question was left unanswered as Mischa looked out the window.

"Mischa...baby? Wha...What happened to the baby?" Mischa's hand subconsciously grabbed at her stomach. The lump was no longer there...

"We..We all make mistakes." her eyes turned to Kevala. The glare held some hatred. It could be taken as it being directed to Kevala..when really she was hating herself. She didn't feel like herself anymore. Her stomach no longer had comfort as her hand left and rubbed at her scalp. Her fingers tightened as it entwined in her hair thinking about the drugs she wanted so badly at the moment. "Some make more then others... You of all people should know..." Mischa had been known for doing irrational things when she was stressed. Flash backs of her attacking Reira for what she did to her and Abel... She fought her best friend and long time crush when she was sad... that was a simple high school break up... think about the heartache she was now feeling... The loss of her child, her dire need for unwanted drugs, and the disloyalty of a loved one.

"Well... That is all I have to say...I made a mistake...Just as I made the mistake of actually trying to help you. You obviously don't want or need the help I so desperately tried to offer... You just need the comfort of other people..." tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought over what she said. More hate burned for herself. Kevala had a lot of shit in her life and Mischa was just the cherry on top of her "perfect" life. "Sorry... Sorry the help I had wasn't good enough." her face turned to the covers of the blankets. Staring deep into the crop circles of the weaved cotton as guilt overwhelmed her and the need to have one more hit pounded in her brain.

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kev didnt know what to think about the emotions she got from the girl, nor did she know how to handle the words, the wall she kept up in her mind slowly crumbling as the girl she had worked so hard to protect from herself lay there crying and saying such things.

Upon her knee, Kev's hand twitched....Anger filling her more and more at the sight of seeing somebody she loved in such pain. Mischa had been pushed to this, and Kev blamed herself. No other. Yet something had to have happened? She had been so careful, sure she had fucked up, but she had taken every measure to make sure that none of it would find way to Mischa, none of it would harm her.

Somebody had done this. She just knew it. Mischa was never one to take her own drugs, but that addictive feeling she put of told Kev she had, and to harm the child? Kev knew better....

Lowering her eyes she drew in a deep breath before she growled and snapped back at the girl laying upon the bed.

"Stop that! You know damn well you were more than enough. I was the one who could not control what is in my own fucking head. I wanted only to protect you. Do not lay there and think for one second that you were not enough...."

She balled her hands into fists, drawing in slow and steady breaths to keep herself as calm as possible. She felt that hatred and though she was not sure who it was directed at...she was more than willing to bet it was toward her. Already feeling that loss, that sense of having fucked up finally.....Knowing that Mischa would want nothing to do with her from now on......

Any and all reason to continue to try and hold on.....was gone...

Her long black hair falling into her face, she felt her hand tingling with the power of her bracelet....

"Do you wish me to leave?"

Her presence had upset Mischa enough, she was losing her mind at the moment, and she did not need to hurt the girl anymore than she clearly already had.....Yet she did not want to leave her. Not yet......Tears stinging her eyes as she kept them down and away from that beautiful face as tears spilled down it....

Kevala would figure out what had happened, and somebody would pay for this....Even if it was ultimately herself....Somebody would suffer for what they had done to Mischa.

She was not an idiot, she could tell when things were not as they seemed, and she would get to the bottom of it all. She had notihng else to lose. Her own sanity hanging on by a thread, lingering on every word Mischa spoke....

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa didn't know how to take her words. Kevala thinks Mischa shouldn't blame herself and that she was "more than enough". Mischa didn't believe the words... if she were more than enough they wouldn't be in this situation now would they?

Her left thumb slid across the smooth surface of her ring finger as so many feelings flowed through her. She was confused as to what she should feel.

"Do you wish me to leave?"

The question effected her more than anyone would expect. It was the last thing Mischa wanted of Kev... but probably the first thing she needed. Mischa's hands covered her eyes as her legs curled up as she buried her hands and face in her knees. Despite her head's position, she still shook it "no"... but in a more of a "I don't know" feel.

"Kev.. I'm not sure what I want... I'm not sure what I even know." she looked up at her blue eyes, her own browns drenched in her pain. "You know I love you... You were my first love and had been my only for more than two years... I wanted you and this baby more than anything....and I don't know if you have the same feelings you had awhile ago... I love you so much, but Kev... you don't have to lie to me... because if I was more than enough you would sleep in the same bed as me... you would sleep in the same God damn house as me! But I never see you anymore. Our home is breaking and I'm falling apart with it."

The ball of her left palm was pressed to her forehead as if she had a headache. "Because while I wait in bed wondering if you would have a change of heart and come see me...you are out looking for someone who could potentially take my place. God knows how many that would be able to knock me off the list as easy as you made it feel..." she let out a small whimper as her lips quivered.

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kev listened to those words, and she lowered her head as she knew that they were true, yet at the same time she drew in a short breath and shook her head..her small body falling back onto her ass on the cold floor as she bit her lower lip and whimpered out softly..

"You do not know what it is like to have such thoughts in my head. To dream of you dead, to know that this other part of me wants that.....I could never hurt you. I wish you could see that. "

She closed her eyes, her own tears slowly slipping down her delicate face. She had done so much wrong but it was not her...She did not know how to explain it...It was this other part of her that wanted to harm everyone that had ever harmed her....that needed their suffering....and even now that part of her fed off the feelings in the room...Growing stronger with each passing moment.....

"I separated myself from you to keep you out of my hand..So that I could not hurt you. That has always been my goal. I never loved anyone as much as I loved you Mischa..You are my life...and I wanted everything with you...But I cannot live with myself if I hurt you.....I would kill anyone who hurt you..."

She trailed off there for a moment, her words lowering in volume to a nearly hushed whisper as she met a realization in her mind....

"Even myself.."

She had done this, and though she would find whoever had set the match to the already easily struck fuse, she was the one who had created the problem in the beginning....She would have to make sure that when all was said and done, she had corrected any wrong to both their lives.....Even if the wrong was herself.....

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa listened to her words and got even more angry. "I want to remember you... and you trying to forget about me is worse than you bringing physical pain to me..."

Then she was interrupted when she heard the small murmur of Kevala's words. Mischa's face went straight as her glare was able to cut threw the tension like butter.

"For fuck sakes, Kev!" she screamed. It was angry and Kevala has never heard her yell like such...actually..no one has...ever. "I'm a big girl. I will get hurt. Everyone does! Kev...How hurt do you think I will be if you killed yourself because I got scrape? Don't you agree that would do more damage? Fuck, can't you get it through your fucking head? I want you! I don't give a shit about the extra luggage titled 'possibility of getting hurt'. I got hurt before I met you and after. That is life for you. I love you and I'm glad I'm a big part of your life..But It is too much responsibility for me if your life depends on my physical well being. You think it is hard to protect me? Well think about how hard it is trying my best not to stub my toe so my girlfriend doesn't worry."

She looked away from Kevala as her hands grasped at the bed sheets. "You think you are not being selfish by protecting me. But you are so selfish from leaving me alone. I'm only left with the assumption you would rather suck face with some slut at a party... Hopefully that is all I can assume and not have to think about your lips connecting with more than me and the girl I have a picture of you with..."

[Ceraphine Davis]

It was all fine and good. Kev sat there wincing with each word that spilled forth and taking it as punishment for her behavior....a part of her was even starting to see some reasoning behind what the other girl was saying......

But then........

Another girl? Party? What?! Those eyes were crimson when they shot up to Mischa the air around them filled with outrage and sheer anger at the words that had just been spoken.

"WHAT?! I NEVER kissed any FUCKING girl!"

She felt her hands trembling as her tears ceased and that darkness that had been threatening to consume her finally took hold. The last straw having been broken.

"What fucking pictures!?"

She pushed herself up to stand, her hair blowing lightly about her as the air around her was disturbed with the force of her emotions. She was outraged and knew in that instant she had been right. Somebody had a hand in this and she would find them. No matter what it took.

Growling softly she took a step back away from the bed. No emotions other than her own rage and pain surrounding her as she blocked all other emotions out. No, no room for pitty or that fucking loving emotion....She was tired of this fucking shit!

Eyes fell upon the girl before her with a new form of light in them....she was not Mischa, but the girl who Kev had hurt. Kev had spent her life being hurt and vowing she would never do it to another, but now, she had.......Could she really live with herself?

Thoughts swirling in her mind, she drew in a deep breath and then balled her hands into small fists at her side. First she would have to find these pictures, and then she would have to find whatever little bitch was in them.

This girl had made Mischa think Kev did not care, when the truth was she had cared...Too much for that matter.......Now....there was no going back...no fixing it.....Nothing......

Emptiness surrounded her as she shot forward, her hand wrapping in the back of Mischa's hair as she leaned down and hovered just in front of her face......

"Do not lay there, and think for one second I did not love you. I do not remember what you speak of, but I know that I will find out.....You were my life...my heart and with you I am leaving every part of me that was ever good.....Ever normal and happy......"

With that she leaned down, pressing her lips to the other girls and closing her eyes as she soaked up the last bit of true happiness she would ever have......

Breaking away from her, she rested her forehead against Mischa's and let out a shakey breath.....Her words softer yet still with that edge of rage and anger she had felt moments before....

"Do not worry my love...I shall not harm myself...Nor shall I harm you ever again..."

She then released Mischa and stepped back...eyes looking over the girl who laid there......because of her.....She had done this...and now she had to make it right.....

Just like that, she turned, leaving the room....Unable to stand the sick feeling that she got about herself from seeing the only good thing in her life in such a state......Though she did stop one time...Spotting a file laying upon the nurses station desk with Mischa's name on it....Flipping it open, she found just what she had been hoping to find......Pictures.....That rage only consuming her more........

Taking the photos, she gripped them within her hands as she stepped away, casting one last glance at the door to the room where Mischa laid and then turning to leave....

She would find that little brunette bitch in the photo, and she would kill her......But not after making her suffer.....No....She would regret the day she hurt Mischa....Just like Kev....

And just like that......................She was gone...........

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa leaned back in her chair for that outburst. She did kiss a girl and there was pictures to prove it..and the way she said it..seemed as if she knew she didn't kiss a girrrll... but probably a boy..but Mischa wasn't going to dwell at that as Kevala got really close to her face.

Mischa returned the kiss that was then pressed to her lips. The way Kevala was talking sounded a hell of a lot like she was leaving her. Then Kev turned and was out the door. Mischa stared at the entrance hoping that Kevala would come back. Yeah, Mischa said some bad things... but in all honesty she still wanted Kevala to be in the room. She loves her to an excruciating amount.

As she waited she got more and more drained of any happiness she had left. Her emotions broke in her trembling hands as she held tight to her sanity... she was losing it. She wasn't the same girl anymore. People were keeping an eye out on her for her attempt at O.Ding... she wanted more drugs.. She murdered her baby and she pushed away the one person she loved the most.

Mischa slid off the ring that was on her left hand and stared at it. "I'm..So alone."

And it won't be long when Mischa would be released from the hospital into counseling... but either way... she had an abundant supply of cocaine.

(End)