I'm Yours... And Drunk (Kevala)

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kevala could not help but flinch at the words as she closed her eyes and let that rant come. It was painful to hear but she could handle it, god knows she had been waiting on it.

"You dont think I dont count in my head every time you have saved me? You think I dont know of every little detail about how you made my life better?"

Her temper rising as she growled and slammed her fist into the hood of her SUV.

"FUCK! Why cant you see that I am trouble? I will always love you but I cant keep destroying you! I want you in my life, never doubt that. But I cant be with you right now. I cant stand hurting you anymore, and yes I know that my not being with you hurt, but Mischa please...You have to let me go! For your own sake just let me go...."

She fought back her own tears, pain swelling up in her heart, but she did not know what else to do. She didnt know what she wanted in her own life just yet and to drag Mischa through her struggles to find out was pointless and cruel.

Mischa deserved better than that and Kevala wanted her to find it. Sure she got angry over people touching her, it was those old feelings coming back to bit her in the ass, but honestly, Kev just could not give her what she truly needed right now and she knew that. It killed her, but she knew it.

"I always think that if I spend more time with you then it makes it harder for you to let go. That is why I dont pop by every time I get the chance. I am only trying to do what is best for you. Why cant you see that?!"

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa flinched when Kev pounded her fist in the car... she tried to hold her composure. The way Kev was acting... what she was saying was all contributing to pushing Mischa over the edge as she trembled.

There would be a moment when Kev finished what she had to say... it was silent all, but the steady whimpers of Mischa crying. Finally she would speak in between each labored breath. "How many times do we have to discuss this? Kev you didn't just hurt me when you left... your absence is still hurting me. I don't know... what to do without you. Every day routines aren't...aren't real. I'm not really sleeping if I can't hear your steady breath in the bed next to me... it isn't eating if you aren't sitting across the table making jokes about my cooking skills... It isn't life if you're not in it living with me."

she would wipe at her tears..avoiding the opportunity to look up at Kev. "It is safe to say it absolutely baffles me as to why you think it would just be easier to move on from each other... I-I am.... is it wrong I believe every inch in my body that you are my soul mate? Why is it wrong for you to love me?" she was scared of pushing Kev passed her limits... but as always she needed to get in what was on her thoughts.

Mischa would try her best to stand.. though her being drunk, damaged, and crying made it hard... but eventually she had done it and she would approach Kev sheepishly before hugging her. "You don't have to call me, you don't have to visit me, you don't have to think of me..." it hurt for her to say it... 'cause she wanted Kev in her life one way or another. "If it makes it easier for you... you can do what ever you can to get over me... I want you happy... and if that means having the continuous stress of having me in your life means taking that away... I..I don't want to be apart of that pain... but I just want you to know that... it may help you to ignore me... but it doesn't have the same effect on me..." she knew full well she wouldn't get over Kev... and if anything absence would just make the heart grow fonder..... like it was even possible in this case. "Bye..." she would bury her face into Kev's neck... her sudden tremors coming in with heavy patterns knowing this just might be their last goodbye. "love you..." she would press a kiss to her neck... and breath in heavily for one last smell of that natural scent that defined Kev.

Mischa would part from the hug... and turn to the direction the car was heading... she would just walk until she found her place...maybe even sobering up and finding her way back.... Mischa crosser her arms tightly as she looked to the ground when taking a step.. each more and more painful knowing they were taking her away from Kev... that sting in her heart that made her a different kind of nauseous than her inebriated state... Her heart absolutely broken as she felt so alone.

[Ceraphine Davis]

Kevala's hands trembled, she did not know, for the first time in her life, what she was feeling. Was it anger, rage, sadness, sorrow? She could not tell, all she could focus on were the words that continued to pour forth, the pain that she was not soaking up from Mischa and trying not to let show.

Then as Mischa tried to stand, it took every ounce of strength she had to not move to help her. She had to stop, she had to stop being the over protective girlfriend and start being the friend that she wanted to be.

She loved her, something Mischa could not get through her head, but she could not be with her. She knew the explanation did not make sense to Mischa but it did to her and it was the only way she saw fit.

Then as Mischa wrapped her arms around her, Kev could not help but bury her nose into the girls hair, breathing in that scent that still sent chills down her spine.

That kiss, that goodbye....and that final "love you" shattered Kev inside, but if she had learned one thing over the recent months, it was that she could not let those emotions run her life anymore. They would destroy her and all those around her if she was not careful.

As Mischa started to walk away, that was when she snapped. She never meant to, never meant to lose her control and to let herself become so overtaken with this flurry of emotions that seemed to consume her.

Unmoving from her spot at first she closed her eyes, trying to calm down, but she was past that point of doing so. Instead she ended up yelling after the girl in a heated tone.

"So that is it? You think I want to forget about you? You think I wish to wash you from my life? Trust me Mischa, if that was the case I would have left this godforsaken city long ago. The fact of the matter is I DO want you in my life, just not like you so strongly desire."

Only then did Kev take off after her, not taking long at all to catch up and grabbing her arm to jerk her around to look at Kev once more.

"Friends! Is that too much to fucking ask? If it is then let me know and I will take you home and drop you off. Let you move on. Tell me Mischa, is it all or nothing, or is there some middle ground there? Because I would really like to know. "

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa would listen to her words as she kept walking... trying to push aside the need to turn around and just run back in her arms... it was apparent Kev didn't really want to offer such assistance anyway. Mischa then heard her foot steps... and still didn't turn around... until she was forced to with a tug of Kev's hand.

"Let me move on? Kev... I'm not going to move on either way... I'm trying to be the bigger person... if distance is helping you move on then...that's what I will give you aside from what I'm feeling... and... all...all or nothing?" Mischa would shrug as tears still streamed down her cheeks. "I think you made it clear that my definition of 'all' doesn't match with yours." she didn't know what to do at this time...

"... So... if this is all stressing you out... trying to figure out a way to get me to forget you... then... If I'm out of your life then you won't have to see me struggling to live through life without you... struggling to get enough energy to wake up in the morning knowing that I don't have the chance at having you as my wife." she would exhale looking down. "this way you don't have to be worried about the pain I'm feeling, 'cause I don't want you to see it... I know that it hurts you I'm this way and I... I just don't know anymore. All I know is that there is no winning for me.... I'm fucked."

[Ceraphine Davis]

Every single word hit Kev to the point that she finally just....shut down. That emptiness coming to her eyes as she stepped back and dropped her eyes away from Mischa. She could not stand seeing her like this, and it was her fault, it was always her fault. Tears streamed down her face though she let her hair shield her from view. The sounds of Zeke crying signified that he felt what she did, and it only made the pain that much more real.

"I am sorry......"

It was all she could say, with that, she would then move back to open the passenger door, motioning for Mischa to get in. If she did, then Kev would take her home, dropping her off there without so much as another word spoken. Her life was the one that was fucked. Mischa had gotten that wrong, and one way or another she was going to get it right.

As soon as Mischa was out of the car, before she could shut the door, Kev would mutter just loud enough to be heard. Zeke seeming to match her mood down to the letter as he sat in his seat with his head down and his hands in his lap.

"I will fix it......I wont hurt anyone anymore"

She had made sure to say it just as the door was closing, so that there would be no stopping it as it slammed shut, and before anything more could be said she drove away. Heading home to put her son to bed, and spend another restless night there, alone, and miserable.

[Mischa Badoer]

Mischa didn't want an apology... she wanted Kev. Though after nothing was said.... Kev gestured to the door and Mischa entered and would sit silently. Her eyes would stare at Kev through peripherals. She could barely see.... but she didn't really have to... her beautiful face had been etched in her mind a long long time ago...

They finally got to her place... Mischa didn't entirely want to leave... but she got out of the car.

"...bye..." she would give the car door a shove and as it closed she heard those words.... those words feeling a lot more eerie than they should.

All she could do was stare...watch as Kevala backed away in her car giving Mischa no explanation....

Mischa walked in to her loft and plopped herself on the couch... she tipped over as her eyes stared at the floor.... tears still flowing from her eyes as she cried herself to sleep.

(end)